Perfectly Imperfect

Now Playing: "Someone Like You" The Summer Set

So for those of you who have read all my blogs, and not just the e-fed ones, you all probably know about my lack of a love life and this blog is going to be along those lines so bear with me and if you only read these for my e-fed ones, you can hit the X at anytime you desire because tonight is just not your night. It's my blog after all and I never promised just to blog about my hobby.

Anyways, you see there is this girl I work with that I kinda... okay, no kinda here, I really really really like her. Just seeing her brightens my day; it's unique given my situation where I was that guy that had basically given up on ever finding someone I'd ever care about again. And for awhile, I just saw her as a friend, this cool yet crazy girl that I got along with and found myself enjoying having conversations with her when the time permitted. But now? Now its becoming more than that and it scares me if I can be honest.

It scares me because of what happened almost two years ago. It scares me because a part of me is nervous about giving myself to someone... scared that I'll just be hurt again. Hell I'm scared that I'm just over thinking things like I tend to do. Seeing things that aren't even there, thinking that there might be a connection greater than being friends. Scared to put myself out there, to go all in... to DTDT, do the damned thing so to speak.

I was asked a few nights ago what I saw in her... and without having to think about it, I answered her personality followed by her looks. She's perfectly imperfect and its the little things she does that make me smile... and not one of those fake smiles I had been putting on for almost two years; but a true smile. And still I'm scared. Because I look at myself and I see nothing worth having her. Nothing of value; sure I'm a 'great friend' and a 'great listener' but I'm no looker. I'm plain... I'm just Jer.

But still I have friends who tell me I should at least tell her how I feel, because in their eyes, I have nothing to lose. They have no clue just how wrong they are. I have alot to lose... my pride, my sense of self worth, damn near everything. You get kicked around enough times and one starts to believe they are worthless; welcome to my world there. I wish this was easy, I wish I could read her like I can read others and am often asked to do for them. But here I am, completely and utterly powerless and it both scares me and excites me. Because for once I have met my match when it comes to doing what I do. It adds another layer to why I really like this girl, not being able to read her like I can do so well on others. Her laugh, her smile, her personality; she's my kinda crazy and yeah... I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish I could say this in person and just be done with it; but factors prevent me from doing so.

And you want to know what the cutest thing is going to be? If she reads this blog... she's so oblivious, she won't know it's about her.

Until next time, this is Jer saying...

[b]You're perfectly imperfect, my love.[/b]